CANTO 87 And I was led in my wanderings

 

And I was led in my wanderings

to sit on the hardwood floor

to that plain where I contended with the verbal

where I thought to contain thinking

I struggled with this unruly mind

I said yes I will repeat the mantras

I said I do this for all beings

I said I do not do this as material for a poem

I said I will extinguish my self-interest

And I didn’t believe what I said

 

I remembered what Bill Stafford said:

"All those answers you fumble for they’re not it

I mean even to pretend to have it is the beginning of dishonesty."

 

And I felt my dishonesty

Yes I struggled with this unruly mind

 

And as I struggled and saw the gatherings of light

and felt the pain again that I said was the pain

of all beings in my legs

and at last the good aching in my forehead

I was led to the vortex or widening of the plain

to a voice that said let there be silence

 

I knew the voice that was my own

that I couldn’t believe

it spoke and it was the voice of doubt and fear and questioning

the voice of ennui and duty

the voice of assessing and weighing and comparing

 

It was this voice I silenced

and the silence silenced me

so I heard what I felt what I touched what I smelled what I

saw was the voice it came down without words

and said this is the opening this is the widening

this is the unifying of all your voices.

 

Then was the raising of all my voices into light

including the voice of light

that said my voice is not yet the one you shall see

you shall smell you shall touch

and it fell silent and all as one voice welcomed the opening as the new light

showered in waves that drew my eyes that no longer needed to see

my fingers that didn’t need to touch my body not mine anymore

all that body washed in widening mantles and auroras

 

as long as I let the light lead

as long as I kept my voices down

though they still spoke

and nothing had changed they still tried to take charge

I could open my eyes all was the same and not the same

all was on the point of trembling

all was glowing with the ordinary

all were there the white amaryllis was there

the hardwood floor was hard and wood the ceiling was there

and the edges of the window everything had its edges

there was still work to do for all beings.